Thursday, January 29, 2009

Radioactive girl

My breasts get to live another day. We were at the hospital at 6:20 this morning and I went through all the motions until I got to the radioactive injection (which helps the surgeon locate my lymph nodes to be biopsied). In passing, I told the technician that I had a nuclear test yesterday, info he didn't like hearing. He tested me and of course, I'm still radioactive which means the dye he would inject in my breast would get lost in my radioactiveness. So, no surgery for me today. Will be tomorrow night, most likely, but not guarantied. My surgeon, who I LOVE, is doing everything she can to make this happen, since she knows all that's gone wrong for me so far. But it isn't bothering me. I feel it's the bad side of the coin, the ying to the yang that's coming after surgery. Bad luck with bureaucracy and procedures one thing, bad luck with health is another. I'll take the former any day. In the mean time, I'm surprisingly calm --something has happened to me. I guess I'm just ready. And although this heart test wasn't necessary for surgery, it helped me manage my fears. The technician who did the IV took time to show me what it looks like, how it works, and didn't hurt me at all. She even offered to take the suttle to the other hospital to put the IV in me before my surgery. Now that's service!

Now I have these criptic drawings on my chest that I'm not aloud to wash off. I thought sharing a photo would be inapropriate, so I made a drawing. The blue is what's drawn on my skin. My surgeon, who I LOVE (have I said that?), is very conciensious of esthetics and is going to make me a type of scar that will be pratically hidden by the new nipples. I'm very excited. I even got myself a braless dress at American Apparel. Good times ahead and I'm still smiling.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Ready

Oddly enough, I'm on this high of energy tonight. Feels like the pre-baby nesting syndrome. I want to clean my car in the snow, in my bathing suit --that's how much energy I have. Maybe just a run on the treadmill will do. I'm debating between Abba and NIN as running music --angry or happy. Happy or angry. ANGRY! Yes. Will make me run faster. Good. Will run myself silly, then eat chocolate cake, then take my last bath in 10 days (yeah, yeah, stinky girl), then write a list for D and stick it on the fridge, then take that magic pill my doctor prescribed. One pill in a pill container. That should be interesting.

C de Lune said goodbye to my breasts earlier. She has more of a relationship with them than I ever had. She was fed, comforted and made strong by them for a full baby year. She loves them and has never hid it (which can be inconvenient at best). As I was sitting at dinner, she gave me hugs, then she cupped my breast, gave little kisses on my shirt and said "bye bye sein à maman!" Awesome. They can go now. I don't need them anymore. Neither does she.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

2 dodos to go

2 dodos (sleeps) to go before D day. It appears the nuclear cardiac test is routine. Phew! I wish they said that on the phone when they leave messages for these tests. I'm finding out that now that I'm "sick", every medical procedure I'm asked to take freaks me out, I guess because it might mean I'm sicker than I thought. Anyways, that's tomorrow afternoon and it's eating up half my last day of work, as if I had nothing else to do!

This weekend was lots of fun. On Saturday night, I went out with my friend L to a pub that reminds me of London pubs. I talked and she drank while this guy at the bar checked me out, and not in a subtle way. I'll take it while it lasts since I know this summer, boys will be looking at my bauld head. Then on Sunday, I went to Barrymore's 80s night with work friends. Blew off plenty of steam and maybe even confused the cancer cells a bit --"what's this? I thought we were in 2009! We're in the wrong place at the wrong time!" Sigh, that would be a nice 80s induced miracle.

I asked people at work to give me a book they've loved. Not one they want me to read, but one they really loved. Books will keep me busy for awhile. Someone suggested I post reviews of them on my blog...possible. Depends how much energy it takes.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Cancer Toggle

I'm toggling between hard core denial and pee myself fear these days. I'm still having trouble accepting that this is me I'm talking about and that I'm actually going to have to go through with this in 4 sleeps. No trap door escape possible for me, unless the treatments ARE the trap door to the rest of my life. It's just insane. Still very Twilight Zone since I often don't really see what the big deal is --it's what I'm faced with and life goes on (I guess that's the denial par of it). Then at night I lie in bed thinking of all the different procedures I'm to face and the fear I'll feel and I loose it. Although, I do like the idea that I could wake up practically cancer free in 4 days. There's no turning back now. I do, or I die. Sigh.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Enough testing already

Tonight, I'm on edge. Had a great day but when I got home, there was another medical message waiting for me on the machine. It appears that a cardiologist wants me to go for a two hour nuclear cardiac test next week, before my surgery. That's all I really know, but I assume my EKG (or whatever) from last Wednesday wasn't normal --the booking nurse referred to that pre-op appointment. Sigh. I'm at the point where I'm expecting someone to tell me I'm dying. I mean really, if you undergo enough tests, they will find something wrong with you. For me, this means I must do follow up tests for my skull and my hip bones, and now my heart. Come on! My pulse is at 64. My oxigen at 100%. My blood pressure at 110/60 --actually, after rushing Wednesday morning it was at 117/65 --AFTER RUSHING! It's stupid and unfair...I can run circles around most people I know, but that's nothing apparently, since I'm still to wait in fear. F*&! Enough already.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

All the gory details

So I have gory details, anyone interested? No? Too bad! As my colleague D said at work "I'm just that kind of girl". So if you have a weak stomack, look away --you know who you are.

After I arrive for surgery on Thursday, I will be prepped, sedated (thank god), injected with die, frozen from the neck to the waist (awesome) then put to sleep. I will wake up 2 hours later all morphined up. The nurses will talk to me to make sure I'm still alive (that will be annoying) and ask me to take deep breaths (um, won't my chest hurt... a lot?). Oh well, whatever. I should sleep most of the afternoon and evening, and I go home the next day --with drains for blood and fluid. What kind of fluid you ask? Beats me. All I know is the tubes will be sewed to my skin (gag!) and I will have to empty them and keep track of the amounts. This sounds vaguely familiar, like breastfeeding, just gross and not satisfying. They will be coming out in about 5 days --that should be interesting. I can't lift anything for awhile but I'm sure I'll be able to type! The home nurses will be coming to see me and inject me with good stuff if I need it. You should see my prescription --full of insane stuff.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Ripple effect

I was so mad yesterday when I wrote a post, that a friend suggested I not post it. Now that I've calmed down, I still feel the need to talk about it, so here is it--just a bit modified.

Cancer is turning out to have rippling effects I never, ever expected. This last weekend was particularly difficult, with D handing me lorazopam to calm me down when needed. I mean, what can he say to help control my fears? No much. Well yesterday, I got into the worst even fight with a member of my family, on the phone, from work nonetheless --very professional. Sigh. They let me have it when they didn't hear what they wanted to hear about my plans. I don't think I have ever talked to them like that, like all censoring is gone, like I don't have time to be polite. Not something I ever want to have to go through again, but it was raw and honest --still, I don't think they see it that way. I know they feel powerless like a lot of people in my life, and they're not coping well. But I didn't do cancer to them, I didn't do cancer to anyone. Cancer just happened...to me. I think they're trying to do anything and everything to predict what could hurt me and try to prevent it, like telling me to give up my dog in case he jumps up at me after surgery. But instead of helping, it just added to my already overwhelming stuff. And like my friend J said, now that I'm in crisis, some people are having trouble accepting that I'm not who they want me to be in these moments.

Pre-op goodness

Tomorrow is my 4 hour long pre-op appointment at the Queensway Carleton Hospital, at 8:40. I will be seeing a nurse (for my medical history), a physiotherapist (for post surgery fun), home services (to plan for anything that will need to be replaced or drained --I know, gross), get a blood test and an EKG? --anyway, a heart test. Good holesome goodness. I'm bringing my ipod, my book and some magazines...oh and my patience.

Monday morning is an ultrasound and two x-rays, and on Thursday I have to be at the hospital at 6:30 for my surgery --are they kidding? That's the middle of the night for me! I need to get injected with dye again and prepped, then first one in. I should be out of surgery by mid-afternoon. Apparently, the pain killers are awesome...better be or I will be letting them know...loudly. Next day I go home with parents and my friend L will keep me company if she can. We put Oli in a kennel for the weekend, lucky dog won't want to come home! D should be home with me starting on that Monday, for awhile.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Famous, maybe?

I should mention that I might end up in a medical journal of some sort, at least I hope so. I seem to be somewhat famous at the Civic hospital breast health centre --the staff all know who I am. Feels odd but not bad, I must say. All this because of the hoops I've had to jump through lately (the nurse's words, not mine) and because the cancer specialists learned something new about breast cancer showing up on MRI images with my case. That is definitely worth the week of limbo I went through. If this stops one women from having her cancer missed, then ok. Hoops are tolerable.

My doctor is also sending me for genetic testing because I have no risk factors that they can see, my mom was adopted and never had cancer, my aunts either and I have no sisters. This is for Claire and I'm glad she decided to do this for her, since it's not automatic.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The bottom, I mean bosom line...

Folks, here's it is. 1:30 hour appointment and this is what I came out with:

1) I'm smart and I did my homework. Good thing, because I can follow a doctor when she speaks about all this breast cancer stuff. I think she even was impressed with my memory.

2) My tumor is 2.1 cm which drops me in the Stage 2 cancer arena. At that size, there's 40% chances it has spread to my lymph nodes, but if it did, I'm still a Stage 2 (there's an A and B). The tumor is also close to my chest wall, but not attached to it. That's good news, but doctors don't like that closeness.

3) My bone scan shows skull and hip issues. That's disconcerting, don't you think? That means I either had accidents/trama or I have cancer there. I remember having a concussion at 7 or 8 and going to CHEO, so they will have that report.

4) I still have to go for 2 x-rays to check those bones. I also have an ultrasound next week and a pre-opp appointment where I will meet a physio therapist, get blood work done and a heart test done.

5) My surgery date is Thursday the 29th of January, exactly two weeks from today. No exact time yet. Had a feeling about that date. Who did I say that to? I will be staying over night and most likely be home on Friday.

6) Here is the biggy: I'm getting a double mastectomy. Yes, no more boobs. By doing this I don't add years to my life --since I'm now "in the system" and will be monitored closely. If cancer would ever appear in my saved breasts, they would find it right away. But that's not why I'm doing it. The stress of a lifetime of lumpy breasts, mammograms, biopsies and MRI's is too much to handle. I can cope with reality much better than maybes... And if I panic on surgery day, I can change my mind and get the lumpectomy. A mastectomy can come later if I want it. I might even get to avoid radiation depending on the lymph nodes and chest wall results.

7) Reconstruction will be a year later...2010 fresh new breasts! Yes, there are scars , my breasts will be numb for the rest of my life and if I have more kids I can never breast feed them (yep, apparently I will still be able to have children), but I don't care. I will have peace of mind.

Oh and the image is the oh so scientific drawing my cancer surgeon made for me... :)

Monday, January 12, 2009

Good news wrapped up in bad news

They WERE my MRI images and there IS cancer on them. Although I tried very hard not to think of it, I had hope...one week of hope. The good news, although it feels minimal now, is that there is no cancer anywhere else in my breasts --that the spot was so small they missed it the images. The odds are, I think, that I'm a stage 1 and it didn't spread to my lymph nodes...but what do I know. I should be happy, relieved, but I'm not. I'm sad and scared. Thursday I find out when surgery is.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Rounds

On Thursday I got 3 calls in 15 minutes from my nurse and other ones at the Centre. Yes, I have my own nurse now... Anyways, I was told that my doctor wants to bring my case up at rounds on Monday --this is where the surgeons and cancer specialists meet to discuss cases. I guess my case is one of those. Conflicting test results are never good. I should know more after that, and I have an appointment with them on Thursday. I told my nurse I was almost at my whits' end, and she said if she was me, she would be way passed her whits' end. I was offered the services of the social worker at the centre. I might have to take them up on that. At least I can still laugh.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Confused? Me?

This morning I went to my post-test oncology appointment, expecting a surgery date. Instead I got confusion. Apparently, the MRI I had a few weeks ago shows no signs of cancer. At all. Surprise! It's a Christmas miracle! Yes, you read correctly. So now my surgeon is confused and unimpressed, the nurses are confused, the centre's radiologist is working overtime to figure this out and me, I'm, well, pissed. The lumps are there so the assumtions are that a) the report isn't mine, b) the MRI images aren't mine, c) the MRI images are mine but the radiologist was in a rush to go home on Christmas eve and screwed up, d) the biopsy results weren't mine and so I might not have cancer, or e) all of the above...um, wait, that's impossible. So now I wait, again, on the mary-go-round. Maybe I should've asked about my bone scan. Or maybe I should just stop complaining. Nah. :)

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Blogging for cancer

Tonight I'm browsing the Web for blogs. I found quite a few interesting ones about design, bands I like and such, and about cancer --shocking just how many of them are out there. The thing is, I don't want to be part of the cancer club, join support groups or read about every other woman who has gone through this. The more books I read, the more my heads spins. But I'm so afraid to miss something, a piece of info I should have known, that I go around reading it all! Then I feel like I don't matter since it's all been done before. Last time I felt like this I was pregnant; when I have to live something that so many others have lived before me, I bombard myself with info for fear of missing something. But oddly enough, I refuse to let others' experiences define my own. By trying to pretend I'm the only person going through this, I give my gut a chance to speak to me loud and clear. So I will go to bed and write down all the questions that have been going around in circles in my head --I will need them for tomorrow morning's appointment.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Hurry up and wait

Last few days before I get bitch slapped by reality. My pre-op appointment is on Monday at 9:15. Do I have cancer anywhere else? Do I have the choice to keep my breast? Scary thoughts but lets get this show on the road! I just want my surgery date so I can start living. Odd how that is, but this hurry-up-and-wait thing is hard to take. Before my possible amputation, I want a weekend with D and C de Lune somewhere, maybe Montreal. And I want the equivalent time as an escape for myself. I want to forget what I'm about to face --watch my movies, listen to my music, drink wine and read my magazines in the bath until my skin gets all wrinkly. That's what I want. And I plan to get it.