The "night before" panic

I think I'm experiencing a mini panic attack. Not a real one--my dad gets those and had 3 the week he found out about me having breast cancer. Poor dad. No parent should have to live that.

Anyways, I was taking a bath and starting thinking about all the details of the medical prodedures I'll have to go through in the next months, and I freaked out. Needles, intraveanous tubes, pain, being put under, more needdles, pain, nausea, scars, etc, etc. Oh, and did I mention PAIN? I'm afraid my doctor will be like House. Sure he could save me, but would he care if he hurt me in the process? Exactly. More possible pain. Now, I'm scared and in need of... Sigh. I don't know what I need. But at least I'll know more tomorrow.

Odd dream

Last night I dreamed that I went to my appointment with the oncologist. We arrived in the waiting room full of people, and this flaky looking man in a white coat with funny shoes took my file and asked me to follow him. We walked down a white hallway with windows on the left side. D came along, but the doctor and I turned the corner before him and got in an elevator, leaving him behind. The elevator brought us to a sky train. We took a long ride, then walked a ways on a dock to get to the cancer centre that was located on a river. We went inside and the lobby looked like a bank with tellers and lots of people. He opened a cupboard and gave me 3 bottles of meds --I read on the label of the white bottle that it was to prevent my hair from falling out. And I started to cry. He led me outside and asked me to sit at a picnic table on the dock, where doctors were having their break. The tried to console me, but I couldn't stop crying. Then a woke up.

Unexpected help

Sometimes it's people you hardly know that say the things that stick the most. Not to say that my loved ones don't help, but sometimes, just sometimes, "outside the circle" people's words have the most weight. This happened to me 3 times in the last week.

Someone I know only from appointments I have told me that she had breast cancer at 24. She had 3 young children and her husband left her. She told me it was actually a good thing because she kept telling herself she had to live, that there was no other option. I thought to myself, "wow, things can always be worse, so I should count my blessings". It also reenforced what I already know to be true: nothing is ever all bad. And finaly, she told me the cancer has never come back and her children are all grown up. That was the best part of that conversation.

Another person who helped a lot was a friend I had long ago. She is in my life now, but not like back then. She has this way of talking to me --no bull. She said lots of things that stuck --she told me that now, I need someone to take care of me, to cook me good food, draw me a bath, give me hugs, listen, etc, etc. Yes, I know that, but it confirmed that I am aloud to want and need and aks for those things. She also said that not everyone will understand my need to take care of myself right now, and those who don't, I don't need in my life. She said cancer cleans out friends. It's harsh, but yes, I know that's true too. She also reminded me that it's the people closest to us who eat are crap (it's a saying in French: "qui mange notre marde") --I should remember that. Wouldn't want people to eat too much of it! :)

The third person shares her experience and ended up saying things I needed to hear. Things I was struggling with, things I felt alone in. It was like she gave me permission to be me. Very odd, but very useful.

Thank you.

The "oh come on!!" angry stage

I always wondered if the so-called stages of coping were really true. How could all of us go through big events in our lives the same way. Well, I'll tell you, in the last 2 weeks, I've been from total sadness, to denial to now, oh yeah, anger. I feel like Hower when he ate that deadly blowfish. Now, I'm going through the angry Why ME? thing. I am the poster child for not getting cancer. COME ON! And right now, I see articles about how to prevent cancer everywhere. Tonight, for example on Yahoo, there is one entitled "Eight praticle ways to avoid cancer":

1) Avoid tobacco --I have never smoked a day in my life. Not even tried. never. and I mean never.
2) Watch what you eat --I have been reading labels for years, I eat organic, low sodium, free range, air chilled, no fat, etc, etc, etc...
3) Stay in shape --I guess running, walking, yoga and pilates don't count.
4) Get immunized --I even get the flu shot!
5) Practice safe sun --I'm pasty white for a reason. Last tan I had was 1991. Not kidding.
6) Get routine screening --yep, an annual doctor's appointement religiously since I was 15.
7) Avoid or limit exposure to chemicals --I haven't used cleaning products, fabric softener, air fresheners, cosmetics, mass-produced skin lotions and shampoos in years. I even switched to medal water bottles and drank tap water before most of you. Really.
8) There was only 7, don't know how they counted 8.

So you see how I can feel that this is bull crap. What the hell? My whole adult life I have done everything in my power to be healthy. It's my thing. I sleep a lot, eat well, drink water, exercise, take my vitamins, and so on. What more could I have done? I guess none of it matters. Might as well have been a out of shape, junk eating, junkie. I'm mad.

What I know so far

Info I know so far about this thing I have...which is not lots:
Invasive (or infiltration) ductal carcinoma, grade 2 (means the cells are moderately aggressive), and they don't know the stage. I think it's a 1 or 2, but hey, I'm not a doctor, not even the fake PHD kind :). I don't know what treatments I will need, but I know I will have surgery soon. My first oncologist appointment is on December 1st. I will know more then, and will let all of you know. Scary. I don't like needles. HA! Will get used to them! But for now, I'm in good feeling denial.

Not waking up

A few nights ago, I woke up around 3am, and said to D, very naturally "I dreamed that I had cancer" and started to cry. You know how when you wake up from a nightmare, there is an overwhelming relief feeling that takes over the moment you realise it was all in your head? That feeling doesn't come for me now. Waking up every morning these last nights is similar to having lost a loved one. My heart is broken and everytime I wake up, I can't believe I'm awake and that it's all real.

The word is "Cancer" people.

First post on the 22nd of the month. Seems fitting, considering I was diagnosed on the 11th, the Rememberance Day I will never forget. There are some days in life we remember forever: the day you get married, the day your children are born, and the day someone tells you something is very, very wrong. That night, I was alone, on my way to get C de Lune from school while D was sitting in a pub accross town waiting for me. When the phone rang, I knew it was my doctor, the one who has known me since I was 15. I told her to tell me the news I was ready to hear. I found myself reacting less than when she told me I had to go for a biopsy. I guess I had imagined that moment so many times in that week, that it was like performing on opening night after months of rehersals. But the rest of the night was nothing like I had imagined. Thank G for neighbours. Anyways, I pretended life was still normal and went to the NIN concert as planned. The show must go on, right? Well, I can honestly say that was THE weirdest experience of my life. As the music vibrated through me in the dark, I looked around at the crowd wondering if in fact, 1 in 8 of all these women had the same life threatning disease that was suddently mine.